I fucking do not want you to have a new lover, I want you to have me…all in! I know, I wish and want to wish the best for you, but I feel terrible for the fact I am not the best for you, knowing the fact we may not be the best for one another, this hurts, hurts the most.
However, I just cannot get you off my mind… it’s been what 2/3/4 years that we started and ended, but I still want to be with you, I desire you…well ya, maybe that desire thing is making it hard, the reason, I am wanting to have you or so... ugh.
I do not know maybe it's a sin or unethical or IDK, knowing the fact you have or might have someone you love... But still, it’s insane how badly I want you. Well, saying this I definitely do not want to go all over your present relationship and be that bitch who goes after taken people. I just do not want to be the source of someone’s cheating thing, but I want you, all of you! Why the fuck you do not want me...or do you want me, *sigh* the fact I do not know what’s in your heart and inside your mind..is killing me… I want to know it all, what's there in your heart.
By the way, just on/off the record- All I know is I want to meet you, but what hurts is, “we both know we ain’t kids no more” we gotta act mature right? We cannot hug tight like we used to, and definitely, no more kissings… overall, we cannot talk like we used to, touch, sit… no nothing can be done like we used to. No, roaming around the city, no music being played in your car…in fact, I cannot even say anything I want... there is absolutely nothing that we can do. And, everything we cannot do is the things, I want to do… I miss all of that, and you know what I miss the most, it’s the fact, that I do not get to know you more, and I don’t get to create new memories with you. And it does not feel good!
I am 23, you will be 23 soon- June is coming, and I cannot wish you a happy birthday, I miss your Snapchats…you know what I have stopped using Snapchat, ever since you blocked me- damn, why did you block me…I mean I do know why but still, “why?”
Other than that, I still listen to the songs, that we played when we first kiss, and that reminds me of you, I miss you more and more… I don’t know why I listen to those tracks; I mean I do not play it intentionally, but whenever it gets played I just cannot stop listening. I miss the way you look, the little rush hours we had- your “I gotta rush back to the office, dad’s gonna kill be otherwise” uptight schedules... well, those moments that we had despite your busy schedules, it all mattered a lot and, your cheesy, very-very cheesy lines, your wannabe kid nature, laying my head on your lap/shoulders, you holding my hands- *sigh* I miss you and I do fucking miss you!
You know what, I even hate you (is it harsh) ok, I dislike you, most probably for the fact, remembering the very last time I met you, back in 2019 winter, before covid and all in December. I was surprised and happy to see you…but that awkwardness, GOD DAMN that strange hug, you not knowing where I study, despite the fact that you had, few of the times came to pick me up from the college and dropped me off, sigh. Also, it was more awful when I could not kiss you as we met. Further, those small talks and you being busy on your phone, while I stood there cluelessly… it all felt horrible.
Does meeting someone, after you call it off, feel that horrendous? If it does then, maybe you should not meet someone once you called it off, or even if you meet them, stay prepared because I understood one thing, for sure- I was not ready for that and it felt miserable! And yes, I left in the middle, without saying "goodbye" to you… the reason, you ask? (Do you really need to know... now?)
*Sigh* I felt that you just moved on too soon, too fast, I was not a priority, which I do understand but it did not feel good… it felt like you were ignoring me, maybe not but it felt so. You were so busy- if possible, you could have gotten inside your phone at that moment, that’s how busy you were with your phone.
Were you feeling confused and awkward because you met me or were your genuinely that busy, very-very busy… anyways, whatever the reason is, you would not have done that or acted that way, if things were different, like in the past, would you…acknowledging the fact you met me after forever?
Moreover, despite all these things, I think I felt the way I felt also because of my expectation and because of the suddenness. I had just over-exaggerated our meeting in my head so many times like, I used to think and daydream about the things that will happen when we meet again… but in reality, when it happened and we met, well, all I felt was- awful and sad and was drowning in some sort of melancholy. Nevertheless, still, I am glad for the fact we met, the only thing I can tell myself and chill a little bit maybe.
Anyways! (Being Honest) The "real" thing is, I still think about you and I want to meet you, do everything that presumably, we cannot do or should not do... DAMN- why do you have someone in your life... ugh! Everything that I feel, feels so wrong...
Okay…I cannot write more…its……IDK, anyways, I want to send my best regards to your lover… and you!
Take care!
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