The things that I feel these days are insane, sometimes I feel like “I will go crazy” and I really do mean it.
It’s just so hard to open up with people, like- to describe “how
I feel for real”, talking with people and having a conversation might help, but
even after I do that… no matter how “nice and good” the listener is, I feel so
bad for sharing things, I feel like “whatever I shared or said, was that really
necessary… the things would have got solved anyways… after a point, you wouldn’t
be feeling that… everything around you, with you, is so temporary, and even if
it’s not- WHY IN THE EARTH DO YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP, GO AROUND AND LET PEOPLE
KNOW… was it that necessary, was it about that person- NO, RIGHT?! Then, WHY?
WHY, would you do that” HELL!
That’s how I feel… it is just so hard and difficult to let
myself out… I feel bad when I push myself to be nice to people, hang out with
people… I go insane…I go CRAZY… GOD!
Many of you might think… “why are you making such a big
issue of something that’s so normal and regular” BUT THEN… is it for real? For me,
is it that “normal and regular”? I doubt!
See… IDK what’s happening, is it the age, or is it the thing that I have kept inside me (the unspoken stories) for so long… IDK what is it… but these days, I feel
bad for not having anyone to talk to or maybe, just having a conversation with someone. [So damn contradictory to what I said/mentioned above, right...but it is what it is]
Even, when I am writing this and as I write this particular
word “feel bad” (did you notice), it makes me feel so embarrassed and not so
good, like “why should I or would I feel bad” just for this simple thing… “WHY
DO I HAVE TO” – I mean, the feeling is not consistent, and I know it will not
be… Plus, I am not a person, who can be with a person or other people for a long time, I can’t have
someone around me or with me constantly, I just cannot!
But, these days, or maybe after this pandemic thing and
lockdown and all… I miss something, a human presence maybe, a small
conversation maybe… these days, I wish I can have a conversation with someone,
every once in a while… IDK what will I talk about, but I know for a fact I will
either talk nonsense and will talk a lot or will simply go blank. And, this fact somewhat makes me uncomfortable, as I might talk about something that wouldn’t
make sense to the person who is listening… hence, because of these reasons I, naturally decide not to
talk or reach out to people…. I strongly believe, it is just not me, I am not that person who can be with another person… no matter
how badly I want to, I just can’t. Anyways, …TBH, I don’t have
anyone, someone whom I can reach without thinking twice or so…
See, with my a little over 20 years of existence, I haven’t built or invested
myself and my time and effort to build any relation or connection where I can
go and speak my heart out without any fear or doubt… I am not sorry for that
but, IDK… right now, I can feel maybe I have missed something or maybe I haven’t, or else IDK…but it doesn’t feel good, it just does not feel good.
-To be continued…
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