Dear Me,
I was so happy, I don’t know why am I getting to this pace again? I mean, I was working continuously and was very much occupied but not overwhelmed by any of those things, it did not get me mad or took me on a guilt trip or anything. More importantly, I was just doing well and was so chilled with my tight schedule, the fact that I was so damn consumed with so many things that I had no time for shits running (ruining) my mind and mood, felt anything but "perfect". But, now as I am getting free, and having leisure time for myself, I feel like I am being scattered, I can feel my mind is so confused and so sad, I feel anything but melancholy, it just does not feel right! I am absolutely hating it, ugh!
See, the thing is, I needed a break, I know, I overworked- I know but then, it was a coping mechanism, right? It saved my soul and my mental space however, yes! I cannot deny the fact that I was physically dead, I was looked, walked, and worked like a zombie. So, somewhere, somewhat I knew I needed the break. I know, that whatever is going on with me and my life is not healthy, and all I need is the break, I need to get myself on track, "back on track." But, I am just not ready to think, I mean IDK, I am not ready to process everything that's going on, all I want to do is "get busy"....work... move on with my life from one busy day to other, so much so that I literally crave for the bedtime and I crave for the rest, just to ensure that my mind does not get enough time to play with me, and I just don’t want to give that space to go haywire! Hence, I just want to get busy, I want a routine, where I do something productive, something that can validate my existence in some sense and keep my sanity alive, I do not mind getting tired, well "instead of having sleepless nights, I think, a long and tiring day that gets me to the bed at 10 O’clock at night" would be better!
Thus, I wish to be busy and work my ass-off, and get so tired that my mind doesn’t get enough time to think of anything else, that my body gives up entirely at night so that I just go to bed and sleep- eyes close, the mind shuts and I enter to the pitch dark, black hole, until the next morning starts! I also wish I wake up before sunrise, I want to feel the fresh air, I want to feel the breeze, I want to go for a walk in the dawn, and, then start my long, busy day. But, to all this, I wish to avoid human interaction (sigh), I seriously do not want to invest my time and energy in someone or anyone... I just do not feel its value and more importantly, I do not have any willpower or motivation within me to connect with people. Saying so, see I know we all need human connection, I know I also do but, it's tough to maintain a human connection, its really an investment, and I do not want small talks and temporary people, I value humans and their words and I look for a strong connection, a sustainable one. I am a private person and I consciously, want to maintain that and by nature (from the core) as well, I am not a people person, some people are but I am not, and nor do I want to be... I love my own company, I love my space, IDK I may even love the mechanical way of working (IDK) but I know, I do not want humans in my life (do not ask me anything, I am not ready to answer...also, why would I answer you?!)
Spare me! all in all, currently... I don’t meet people regularly, (let’s be real) I hate seeing the same faces every now and then, I do not enjoy talking about the same shits and pretend not to know or admit that I know or whatever, I just do not want to have a conversation... I am not ready to go on a loop whole where I have to maintain and act for someone with the same things again and again- annoying, isn’t it (yes, for me)!
Sigh, well-well, IDK am I making sense or not, I do not even know what exactly, was I trying to write but all in all the thing is, (confession, I tell you) "I am just in a dull state right now"! I am not enjoying or seeing anything nice with my life or with me, I am pretty much annoyed and I hate it, I hate that I have these timeless moments, where I have nothing to do afterward, and my mind tricks me with some unpleasant thoughts, memories, even some of the good memories have started to feel toxic now, those flashbacks maybe I hate it or maybe I am in denial, but the thing is I do not want to rewind or rethink of anything, good or bad, it doesn’t matter, I just don’t want to think about it. Or at least, for now, I am not ready to process everything, I do not want to go and have a conversation or whatever, not ready to dig myself into some sort of never-ending laybacks! See, the fact is I am in this "uggh" state (cannot even explain exactly what it is) and I Hate myself for not being able to get out of it, knowing the fact that I am not perfect enough to settle myself in these conditions, I hate that I am making such a big issue and ranting over and over again for maybe something that shouldn’t bother me. But, I know that I will move out of this space, and after a few days or months, it will be all in the past, I know, I can do this..but for now, let me do whatever it requires to declutter my mess, let's not pretend it's perfect but let me cope my situation in a way I want it, that's it!
P.S. I may be running from everyone and, myself, you may say so- I will not ignore that! Because I am!
I think I am protecting myself, and I want to protect myself! Yes! I am acting selfish, as much as I can, trying to run and run, but under my own terms and conditions and, I don’t want anyone to enter and disturb the pace I have, my world is mine! Unless I allow you to come, so, please don’t enter!
Lastly, ever again (LOL) I just, wish to have the busiest schedule of my life, too packed and very badly occupied with never-ending work and works ughhh... I want to get the heck out of these creepy mood swings and unnecessary dilemmas that my mind illustrates to make me go insanely mad hence, let me just "work"!
Truly yours,
Me.
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