Rendezvous

You know the funny part about you or I say us, we have not even touched each other but it feels like every part of my body knows you, you- Kancha feel like “I know you forever, and I got some kind of authority and rights over you, over you” I mean, I know I don’t- that’s more than clear but “it feels like I do” … ugghhh

“I called you for a lunch, and you asked me for the beer well, it was a plan we both had since forever. You have been asking me for so long, I have been denying it, ignoring it though my answer has always been the “YES" or somewhere between that "MAYBE" part but never a "NO.” However, I could not express it, I know I must know my boundaries and I always tried to maintain that. But finally, we did sit for a beer though I did not drink a sip, and even without drinking, I was just so happy to be with you, your endless and free-spirited conversation got me so hooked, we straight up spent five hours in that pub- “haya malai ajai basnu thiyo k, IDK kura ajai k garnu thiyo tara thiyo k garnu....!”

“Looking straight into your eyes, having you so close… speaking with no filter getting that freedom to be me and you to be you. The beauty was in being ourselves, we did not care or had to worry about anything, “no matter, who did what, who was wrong, and what happened in the past, or is happening right now” we got this togetherness- just hearing each other out, we got this luxury to share it all, and like a cherry on the cake it feels like a treat to have each other… ah I want more from us”

“The blessing or the curse, IDK what it is but I know one thing if we ever fall we can count on each other, just the customary is that we just cannot be with each other”

“You said “I LOVE YOU” so easily, so naturally as if it’s the universal fact… you said it thrice at least that much I could remember and heard it loud and clear, maybe, maybe you have said it more than that but the thing is you said it…You just said it and I could not even reflect or reciprocate to any of that, the first time you said it, I was taken aback, and afterward, it felt natural.. as if I have heard you say "I love you" every day nonetheless, I just hope, hope that you mean it... at least you sounded as if you meant it or, am I just that naive and stupid.”

“As you got your hand out in the car, I was in shock thinking “what’s happening, is he resting his hand over me or on the seat behind me” but as I said, I was furthermore shocked, as you hugged me- oh dear, I couldn’t even get myself straight, I was bowing down, just so scared thinking, “what if we kiss, you....” And, you did it thrice, STUPID-dumbass… anyways, that gave me the liberty because of which I was able to rest my head on your shoulder, well could not do it for long but it felt eternal, just having you beside me just for that 15 minutes ride back home… felt like you and I have been like this forever… nothing felt pushed, confused, bad or so... nothing felt fake, it was just you and me as if we have been like this like- always, together.”

How many stories do I even tell/share, there are many… it was just for 5 hours but it was no less than a movie however, however... it is unlike everything was a fairytale that evening, we had our ups and downs, “the ugly truth, the pain, the craziness, the laugher, and the endless smiles… everything was there” and overall, the beauty is in the fact that we hold each other up, couldn’t even realize “how fast five hours got spent and it was just the time to get back home…” Well, no surprise but still, “surprise, surprise, surprise” as soon I was back, he called, and asked me if we can meet again well, there is another story to that… but for now, let me end it here.

#PlatonicRelationship?

16th Feb.

THE FIRST DATE

When someone says the “Date” that is also the “first date” what comes to your head and of course, your heart? Do the butterflies start to fly inside your stomach? Okay, let’s not make it too cringy but, still don’t we all cherish it a little bit, somewhere there in our heart, don’t we?

I remember the time I went for my first date, it was after my a-levels, and it was also after my very first horrific skin problems that I was going through, lots of breakouts and flaky skins. And, on the top of it all, I went to “my” very first date with all the insecurities that I can only count.

By the way, before I even start the story, I must tell you, I have turned the guy quite a few times- and this on its own, is a long story of itself. Nonetheless, I really need to appreciate the guy as he finally got me to say “Yes” and we went on my very first date (note* I still think he doesn’t know it was my first date>> up until now if he reads it and realizes it).

(*Disclaimer: by now everyone who knows me knows it, being late is my synonym. So, no wonder, there was I, LATE even on my first date- voilà)

Nevertheless, coming to the point, I think the timing of the movie that was provided to me by the guy was 12 something and I reached 5-10 minutes late. So, I was out of breath, running and embarrassed thinking, “Girl, you did it again- the timing and the timing, NEVER ON TIME”

And, so after all the hustle and bustle, as I finally reached- there was this guy, standing next to the coffee shop, kind of dressed up. I thought, he would be pissed, as I was late (as always) but to my surprise, he was calm and composed yet, as I was apologizing for being late, I came to acknowledge that undertaking my “never being able to reach anywhere on time” habit, he gave me the wrong timing, as the movie wasn't of 12 something but, it was of 1 something, so yes, I can say I made it on time after all (hahaha) thanks to the guy!

Anyways, we went to this movie starring Ranveer Singh and it was kind of fun. I normally believed; I don’t like it when people talk in between the movies but that guy changed my perception. In fact, I realized its fun to talk and get into those tiny-freaky details of the movies and crack jokes about them in between (note* I AM REALLY BAD WITH JOKES- I don’t get the humor, so I don't even try). However, but at times, I was a bit overdrawn out of his constant purling but still, to be frank to my own surprise, all in all, I did enjoy his company.

Rewinding a little bit, before all this movie, fun-good time was happening, as we were waiting on the lounge (note* the time before the movie actually started), he talked something about the other girls and this-that, which kind of turned me down, making me question myself, unto the point “why did I even come here”. However, as the movie began, everything settled and it was again all good; so, by the time the movie ended, I had my own expectations- as we see in the movies and hear it from others, I expected that we would go for dinner. Thereby, I was expecting not much but the dinner (*I was really naive so, I really didn’t have too much of an expectation but I really-really thought we would go for dinner and have a real conversation, I thought, it is a must, I thought that's how the first date or a date in general goes- like eating together or so... I don’t know why I thought so, but I did) and, to my disappointment- there was no dinner!

So, I remember, we were standing outside the rising mall and I as mentioned- "there was no dinner"...and the REASON? Well, he said, he needed to go somewhere, and deep down inside, I was like “REALLY!”?

I even empowered myself and asked, “if we can go and have something quickly” and even supposedly said, “I am hungry” (note* I was not, I ate lots of nachos- I was not hungry but still, I said so- erg). Anyways, he replied, “I cannot, I have to go somewhere” yet, he insisted to drop me at the bus park from where I can go back home.

But frankly speaking, I was so devastated and angry, thinking like, it was my first date- to which I said “NO” so many times, yet it happened and its ending like this- I can only control my anger and all the other insecurities that were going on inside me (*sigh).

On the way to the bus park, he did tell me that, he was going to our common friends’ relative’s funeral or so, but trust me, I was so pissed that I was not buying that reason at all, and didn’t say much. And, he dropped me at the park, and I got the bus and went home.

Throughout the time, I was so-so-so disappointed in myself- wondering “why did I go”- it was also, the insecurities that made me feel that “I am not good enough, and he just made an excuse and left” and, I was wondering- maybe this and maybe that.

However, in between these thoughts of mine, later in the evening, I received a snap on Snapchat, I opened it and he was wearing my gift and asking me how he looked, and “me being me” as always- out of anger, which gets me to this mood of “I DO NOT CARE AT ALL” ...replied, something very lame and as expected with “I DO DON’T CARE” type of vibe, with the answer that is (as much as I can remember) “You look good” and yes that was it! He saw the message and didn’t reply, nor did I initiate much afterward, and as it happens in Snapchat, it all disappeared.

.

"la sakyo yeti ho mero so-called 1st date ko katha"

He was confusing and I was complicated

I know one thing, once I start talking about something deep that I kept within myself for a while that means I am getting over it. Well, it’s not an easy task, talking and letting the memories flow, because the flashbacks come in like a haunting ghost, it shakes the state of your mind, takes you in roller-coaster ride... at a pace you don’t want to be, and forces you relive something that you just left behind or at least something you "thought" you left in the past and moved on with your life. 

However, nonetheless, maybe it’s a good thing, for now, to let it out and, maybe its high time that I let it flow out of me.....

"Have you ever got into any sort of relationship that is exactly not a relationship, but still as special and important like a relationship but, something that you can’t describe!

Well, the kind of thing where, being together with that person feels like everything-feels like a different world in itself, from the conversations to touch, everything is surreal, so much so that the sensation of each electron in your body can be felt in the presence of that particular person.

You are so comfortable and yourself that you let your guards down- you let your most vulnerable sides wide open. And, the beautiful thing is that you can feel and witness acceptance from the person, with calmness and sweet-little passion.

Oh, this kind of feeling of something: something that feels really good and mystic, the feeling of rawness and simplicity, and reflection of the innocence from both the souls. 

Well... Well... Despite all these words and descriptions I must say, the feeling is very much like, you don’t know how to explain, and you don’t know what to do with all these uncontrollable feelings, it's anything but confusing and unreal... Explosion of all the overwhelming desires and trauma is there inside your brain! 

Yes, “trauma” an absolute one, because you don’t know what exactly are these feelings and what is this between you two, and what you really want from one another!

Saying so, sometimes this kind of confusion leads to happy ending whereas sometimes to the most awful shit!

Hence, as I always find myself, in the city called “complexity’, so- let’s talk about the worst side of such relationships, the chaotic mess: when the mind gets more complex when this relationship between two, gets into a rollercoaster ride, everything is at its fastest pace, the brain inside your head goes upside down and you make mistakes, sometimes acknowledging there is something wrong, and the other time you just don’t know what it is and still you do every senseless thing you can think of. And what if there comes to lack of conversation, communication gaps to make it worst, some may have the reason for this like “the long distance”, "lack of interest", "finally- the maturity" and what else? but I just wonder are these reasons so worthy to make it worst, are they?!

Being the most impulsive person, the work of the mind is so loud and so out of control, sometimes, the action gets reflected with uncountable reactions of the senseless thoughts. The things that would or could have been at its best, go haywire, and is out of your hand, out of control. Worst of the worst is that when you feel you are the only one who is suffering and was serious about it, and sometimes you even end up asking yourself “Was I even serious?” you do want to make it feel like it was a 'fling' but then you know the answer “it was not”!

Here, you don’t know about the other person’s story or feelings but you know yours, you know how deeply it meant to you, but sad part, you never got to show it. Hence you feel like “okay, leave it! Let it go to hell…” but there is this overly dramatic soul that says and reminds you how stupid you are and can be... Beacuse of which you pause and wait, for something that was never a thing, and more supposedly now will never turn out to be anything!

Lust or love, whatever drags you to anyone, it’s okay, its normal, it’s okay to feel the certain way with certain people, but I don’t think it’s okay to keep people confused, having the shambolic disorder, and not letting the person know anything! Well ignorance is a good way out, that’s what most people do, but I just wonder “why do you even come around like a fool, promise not to leave, and act like you never loved or wanted anyone so deeply, ever before” and then just leave, you don’t have anything to say, and you don’t want to hear anything because you feel, you know everything (I WISH YOU DO, BUT YOU DON’T-LAME)!"

"He was confusing and I was complicated...and that's all, that's how the story ends!"

NO- I DON'T KNOW WHY! "JUST SMILE"

That smile boy, I still remember the first glimpse of yours,

It was your smile, in fact a quick “lol” moment, as I couldn’t open the door,

The car of yours which is like a next home of mine with you,

The back seat stories that you assure that your driver doesn’t know about,

Something I am sure he has all idea of about,

“But let’s just pretend no one sees us”

Your side- the left corner where you drag me in as well,

Sometime carrying me, and other time with all the cuddling we can go through,

As I seat on the right, your head on my lap,
Moreover I love the way your heart beats hence, I rest my head on your chest

Well-well, who can forget the gentle moments of hands?

The gesture that the lips share, oh boy what you doing to me!

.
(TO BE CONTINUED...will write more for sure)

2018.06.20

Dear S,

Last time, again it happened, we met and things went as it always do- you melt me with your words and unconventional feelings. Well, I must say I don’t regret or have anything that I hate from that day! We both know, there are things that shouldn’t have happened at first place, and we both don’t know whom to blame, because trust me, it’s both of us who never stopped, though pretended a lot to forge the space as it ends.

Meanwhile, I didn’t know what to say, I mean I did say “NO”, reminding you the protocol! But you broke it, and I did allow you to break it, I really couldn’t hold myself, as it was all I have been waiting and day dreaming from more than a half a year! It was all that it could be, maybe it could have been much better, but as always- you were there running out of time- and its okay! Hence, I think whatever happened was at its best, it was good, and as good as it can be!

Nevertheless, there are moments that took my heart and breathe away both in good and, in a sad manner… but this time, I wasn’t heartbroken as I felt last time back in November! Maybe because this time, I wasn’t expecting a lot, as you came with some beautiful and enduring words that sounded like the promise that did make me feel you meant a lot as you said, and I felt like you somewhat meant to stay, but thank god- I wasn’t relying to those words, though I wished them to be true, I do, but my heart just didn’t get overwhelm, and my mind didn’t lose its pace.

To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting you to react on a way that you did, I was all there controlling and trying to act cool, as if “whooo, I am okay and blah-blah…” holding my words, anger, emotions and feelings. But you my boy, you got me in, you are so stubborn and so racy, and can’t forget you were at some level a stalwart, which I do appreciate!

Lastly, that day- you were too cute, funny, did feel too attractive and can’t forget your various emotional levels that showed various shades which includes your: anger, ego, anxiety, childishness, and love! And trust me, all these shades of yours are totally fine, I really don’t have complains though I wish you if you could control your anger a little bit, you really do get “red” really-really red, as the anger rises up, that sometime terrifies me! Anyways, talking about love, I don’t know what kind of “love” you carry for me, though you did mention, I was there in your mind for this long despite of the distance, which I do appreciate but I don’t know what to say on this, yet I hope you meant that, meant a lot indeed.

All in all, thank you it was lovely meeting you again, seeing you again, and feeling your presence of cheesiness ever again! It was rejuvenating, I don’t carry anything harsh for you, but all the care and tenderness because you really consume some deep space within me. But can’t let my self-esteem hurt right? You really need to value my worth, I hope someday you will take your time and think of me, about me and know the real value that clears the space and path… I don’t expect anything from you, because I really cannot let my existence go meaninglessly down! Yet I still feel confuse, and tingled, lacking in words to express what I want and what to expect from you and from us; thus, all I can do is wish you the best, and it was really-really good to see you again.

Lots of love,
2018.06.20.

him....

...He was stupid, so childlike, though he didn’t seem so, but he was! If you look at him properly and be with him, you will find him annoyingly sweet, he was so cheesy and something really honeyed, but definitely not always (haha)!

He was like the weather, unpredictable, but innocent because he was so scared as if he gonna do something wrong, hence, he tended to be very careful, maybe image concern, can it be? - But can’t assure you that 101, as he was also very carefree and as wild as he can get. Those perfectly made toothpaste ad types teeth- aww! And those chubby cheeks, and that huggable sponge body, so huge for me, but so warm and comfortable, as if I never want to leave and go away! Perfect to cover me up and hold me softly yet tightly.

Those long eyelashes- girls, you will die to have those long lashes for sure, but I was fond of his eyes and eyebrows in particular- strange right, I know! He was always, mostly in this formal attire, I mean why- you are just 19, but I really liked the look, so yeah, that’s mine, or he tended to be in this carefree look, with very simple tee- which made me feel so comfortable around him, nothing fancy, it was as simple as it can get. Anyways, don’t go to his looks, more than the looks, his habit was one of a kind, Ranunculus-butter cup!

to be continued...

Story of Adam

...............................................................................................................................................................

LONELY DAY IN CLASSROOM WITH SILENT ANGEL

“I remember it, I was in 4th standard, I was a very quiet and shy guy and still I am. I used to get nervous with people and used stay in my own zone; I was not good in any extra stuff beside studies. My study was the only point that hooked me in. So, getting back to my story, I was in 4th grade and my school had organized a sport week. Everyone was tested or I better say given a chance to try different sports and audition was taken in random orders. I was excited to join and try some sports, so even I gave a trail and went for those auditions. There was different kind of excitement in me as that was one of the first times; I tried trying extra stuff beside studying.

Next day was the result day, the selected few were to be announced and were called in playground for practice, I was way too nervous yet so excited. I was keeping my ears alert, hoping my name would be called. One by one everyone, I mean literally everyone's name was called and all of them went off for the practice and then I finally realized there was no one in the class beside me, my name was not called. No one even remembered me, may be they were in their excitement or something similar for the game. But me? I don't know, I no more had any excitement, I didn't even know how to react, I just went numb. 

I still remember that silent class, that awkward feeling and some kind of solitariness. But wait; just in that moment, someone came in my class. I don't remember her name, but she was one of our teachers from the school. She came, and asked, why was I alone? I replied in a low voice, "I wasn't selected for any of the games; my name was not called...” She was quite for a while, after that she came near to me and sat with me. I was surprised, why is she here?, do you know we didn't even had a single conversation yet sat next to each other in a silent mode in the same class. She was there next to me till everybody returned back to class. 

Even we had no conversation, no nothing, but still I felt so good and so relaxed when she was there with me in that lonely classroom. She was like an angel to me, who came and saved me from the loneliness that I was feeling in that room when I was left out. I actually had the feeling before she came, that I am good for nothing, but after that teacher came in, I felt, It's OKAY! It’s okay, I may not be like others, do the something that other can do and may be, people won't be there for me but still I will have someone who will be there for me somewhere, looking and caring me in an indefinable way, like the teacher, who came and been there for me. There was nothing but still in that moment her presence, made me feel so good and relaxed, and I was so damn Thankful towards that lady and her presence.

So it's OKAY, people...Incident may be big or be small and may seem way too hard to handle but still somewhere and in some point, we will have someone to hold us and something will bind us and pull us up and let us know we are doing fine and can do much better."

~ Adam (adopted name)

*story by - Adam*

*written by - Neppoly*