Reflections of Emotion: Exploring the Complexities of Connection and Self-Expression

"I may not always be ready to share their feelings, but it would be a mistake to think that I don’t have feelings – or that those feelings don’t run deep." - anon

To my surprise, the thought crosses my mind, "How could you possibly believe that your actions wouldn't cause me pain?" Despite my typically carefree demeanor and my tendency not to invest myself emotionally in relationships, I am, after all, human. I experience emotions and feelings just like anyone else.

It's disheartening and distressing that you haven't even asked me a simple question like, "How are you?" It's possible that if your feelings have waned, that's perfectly acceptable, but please be upfront and tell me, "I no longer have feelings for you... I don't want you... I don't love you." Perhaps it was the initial attraction and infatuation that drove your interest in me. I don't mean to claim that I am attractive enough, but I do understand it's a natural occurrence for humans to develop feelings for others from time to time. If that's the case for you, then so be it.

I might be making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, allowing myself to be consumed by distress. I have my own journey with its ups and downs, and I can't afford to be entangled in something that doesn't truly belong to me. The care and affection I received and reciprocated from you were truly wonderful, and I held you in high regard. However, given the way I'm being treated now and the ambiguous nature of our connection (or sometimes it feels like I'm the only one holding on), it's a source of misery.

I feel a lack of respect and a constant sense of distress. Nonetheless, I recognize that when I'm with you, those moments are incredibly precious to me. I cherish them to the fullest extent, and if I had the power, I would freeze those moments in time. I love witnessing your smile, your laughter, your playful nature. I adore the way you look into my eyes and the uninterrupted flow of your conversation, updating me on every detail of your life—even if I find it silly at times. I genuinely love it all, and I adore you.

However, maybe my expectations are too high. After nearly a year, I believe I deserve to be recognized and hold a genuine place. I know you have clarified this but I can't overlook the fact that you labeled my expression of emotions and my assertion of my rightful needs as a "victim mentality." It's baffling, because voicing my feelings and advocating for what I deserve isn't indicative of a victim mentality. Furthermore, if things were simpler, perhaps we'd have happier memories filled with laughter, instead of me being haunted by tears and miserable drunken nights, feeling isolated and deceived.

I'm sure you have your own explanations, but I implore you to ask yourself, "Is this right? Is this fair?" I possess strength and resilience, but perhaps I can't endure this level of strain. We all have lives, and life, my friend, is far from easy. It's not just about being with a partner whom you're married to and have children with. It's about having a partner and a companion to lean on during tough times, sharing both joys and sorrows, standing by each other even in moments that might seem trivial or foolish. It involves allowing each other to be vulnerable and imperfect.

Maybe I've built up unrealistic fantasies, imagining that you're the one for me, but perhaps you're not. You don't even bother to know "how am I, what am I going through..." simple things like, even when you're well aware that I've been unwell for over a week, you are just unbothered. You overlook my situation even when I'm behaving like a drunken mess.

Perhaps- maybe it was merely a fleeting infatuation, and now that it's faded, I'm clinging to memories of the person you were at the beginning. Please, don't attribute our confusing situation to external factors. If anything, it's “us”, not the situation. There's no need for compromise, and kindly spare me the advice to "go date others." I'll make my own choices, while you focus on your own affairs, as it's evident that I'm not a priority for you.

I don’t want to plead or continually remind you of how I should be treated; it should come naturally. If this connection is genuine, it should be effortless. Putting these thoughts into words feels agonizing, yet I know my values and I fully take responsibility for my actions. Whatever has transpired or hasn't transpired has been marked by utmost sincerity and genuine affection. My feelings for you and the profound care I hold have been unadulterated and rooted in pure love. I understand that I could have given my all, just as I continue to do, and I recognize my care and love.

(GOD, I was not even in love… god knows when I fell for you- sigh, is it even love?)

However, I can't bear to stay in this lonely place where I seem to be the only one making an effort, and all for what? Nothing, really. You understand your own situation, and you've made it clear to me, but the question is: How has the current situation created so much mess in our lives? How has it affected us and the people around us? Sigh...okay, never mind, I'm just exhausted, simply drained and weary.

(ekching vayeni khusi theyee mah...but now maybe it will be all in past, good old memories as the present feels miserable) 

"Bela bela ma hares khada ma

Chhati ma mero pahiro jaada

Yo maya mero mannai ma nahuda

Kasari basyau rakhi maya timro mana ma"

- Ujeli by Sajjan Raj Vaidya

Expressing it to understand it myself....

 

Where do I even start, do you remember I said, "You are not my type"

Well, despite this seems like "I am already falling head-over-heels"

The way you look straight into my eyes when you speak with no filter

The way you confessed, saying "how much you liked me"

The time you said, "You want to hear all my stories"

The night you called me..... 

.

.

"When I say YES-YES-YES" You go "NO-NO-NO"

And, when I am going "NO-NO-NO" you have to go "YES-YES-YES" no? 

.

.

I don't even know what I like about you... but I just do

Is it lust, can it be? It can be right, but more than that the pleasure I get by just being with you is undeniable, I love hearing your voice, I just love seeing your face, and I enjoy your company and your vibe...and YOU in general.

Well, to be honest, it would be the cherry on the cake if I could hold your hands, rest on your lap/shoulder, kiss you.... and touch you as I am with you... but I do not think it's more to do with the thrust of sexual something... or can it be? IDK, see I cannot express or even understand "what exactly it is" but I know that I really do LIKE YOU!

Saying so, there are a hundred things I dislike about you, I won't lie but, even with all these flaws and dislikeness I am surprised "HOW COME I LIKE THIS GUY SO MUCH"... is it LOVE? I do not know.... maybe it is not but, I would be lying if I run away from the fact "How much I like you"

Will it last forever, maybe NO, but the truth is "for now, for the time to come, I know how much I like you... so much so that my heart pounds, I feel my nerves, I... what do I even say"

UGH... strange, I have not felt this for years, moreover, as I am a bit grown-up person compared to my past, this side of me is very much new and unfamiliar, I am just coming to know this weird side of me... 

- To be continued

Just trying to let it out... as, it's getting "a little" hard (:

 The things that I feel these days are insane, sometimes I feel like “I will go crazy” and I really do mean it.

It’s just so hard to open up with people, like- to describe “how I feel for real”, talking with people and having a conversation might help, but even after I do that… no matter how “nice and good” the listener is, I feel so bad for sharing things, I feel like “whatever I shared or said, was that really necessary… the things would have got solved anyways… after a point, you wouldn’t be feeling that… everything around you, with you, is so temporary, and even if it’s not- WHY IN THE EARTH DO YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP, GO AROUND AND LET PEOPLE KNOW… was it that necessary, was it about that person- NO, RIGHT?! Then, WHY? WHY, would you do that” HELL!

That’s how I feel… it is just so hard and difficult to let myself out… I feel bad when I push myself to be nice to people, hang out with people… I go insane…I go CRAZY… GOD!

Many of you might think… “why are you making such a big issue of something that’s so normal and regular” BUT THEN… is it for real? For me, is it that “normal and regular”? I doubt!

See… IDK what’s happening, is it the age, or is it the thing that I have kept inside me (the unspoken stories) for so long… IDK what is it… but these days, I feel bad for not having anyone to talk to or maybe, just having a conversation with someone. [So damn contradictory to what I said/mentioned above, right...but it is what it is]

Even, when I am writing this and as I write this particular word “feel bad” (did you notice), it makes me feel so embarrassed and not so good, like “why should I or would I feel bad” just for this simple thing… “WHY DO I HAVE TO” – I mean, the feeling is not consistent, and I know it will not be… Plus, I am not a person, who can be with a person or other people for a long time, I can’t have someone around me or with me constantly, I just cannot!

But, these days, or maybe after this pandemic thing and lockdown and all… I miss something, a human presence maybe, a small conversation maybe… these days, I wish I can have a conversation with someone, every once in a while… IDK what will I talk about, but I know for a fact I will either talk nonsense and will talk a lot or will simply go blank. And, this fact somewhat makes me uncomfortable, as I might talk about something that wouldn’t make sense to the person who is listening… hence, because of these reasons I, naturally decide not to talk or reach out to people…. I strongly believe, it is just not me, I am not that person who can be with another person… no matter how badly I want to, I just can’t. Anyways, …TBH, I don’t have anyone, someone whom I can reach without thinking twice or so…

See, with my a little over 20 years of existence, I haven’t built or invested myself and my time and effort to build any relation or connection where I can go and speak my heart out without any fear or doubt… I am not sorry for that but, IDK… right now, I can feel maybe I have missed something or maybe I haven’t, or else IDK…but it doesn’t feel good, it just does not feel good.

-To be continued…

 

 

Send my love to your new lover…

 

I fucking do not want you to have a new lover, I want you to have me…all in! I know, I wish and want to wish the best for you, but I feel terrible for the fact I am not the best for you, knowing the fact we may not be the best for one another, this hurts, hurts the most.

However, I just cannot get you off my mind… it’s been what 2/3/4 years that we started and ended, but I still want to be with you, I desire you…well ya, maybe that desire thing is making it hard, the reason, I am wanting to have you or so... ugh.

I do not know maybe it's a sin or unethical or IDK, knowing the fact you have or might have someone you love... But still, it’s insane how badly I want you. Well, saying this I definitely do not want to go all over your present relationship and be that bitch who goes after taken people. I just do not want to be the source of someone’s cheating thing, but I want you, all of you! Why the fuck you do not want me...or do you want me, *sigh* the fact I do not know what’s in your heart and inside your mind..is killing me… I want to know it all, what's there in your heart.

By the way, just on/off the record- All I know is I want to meet you, but what hurts is, “we both know we ain’t kids no more” we gotta act mature right? We cannot hug tight like we used to, and definitely, no more kissings… overall, we cannot talk like we used to, touch, sit… no nothing can be done like we used to. No, roaming around the city, no music being played in your car…in fact, I cannot even say anything I want... there is absolutely nothing that we can do. And, everything we cannot do is the things, I want to do… I miss all of that, and you know what I miss the most, it’s the fact, that I do not get to know you more, and I don’t get to create new memories with you. And it does not feel good!

I am 23, you will be 23 soon- June is coming, and I cannot wish you a happy birthday, I miss your Snapchats…you know what I have stopped using Snapchat, ever since you blocked me- damn, why did you block me…I mean I do know why but still, “why?”

Other than that, I still listen to the songs, that we played when we first kiss, and that reminds me of you, I miss you more and more… I don’t know why I listen to those tracks; I mean I do not play it intentionally, but whenever it gets played I just cannot stop listening. I miss the way you look,  the little rush hours we had- your “I gotta rush back to the office, dad’s gonna kill be otherwise” uptight schedules... well, those moments that we had despite your busy schedules, it all mattered a lot and, your cheesy, very-very cheesy lines, your wannabe kid nature, laying my head on your lap/shoulders, you holding my hands- *sigh* I miss you and I do fucking miss you!

You know what, I even hate you (is it harsh) ok, I dislike you, most probably for the fact, remembering the very last time I met you, back in 2019 winter, before covid and all in December. I was surprised and happy to see you…but that awkwardness, GOD DAMN that strange hug, you not knowing where I study, despite the fact that you had, few of the times came to pick me up from the college and dropped me off, sigh. Also, it was more awful when I could not kiss you as we met. Further, those small talks and you being busy on your phone, while I stood there cluelessly… it all felt horrible.

Does meeting someone, after you call it off, feel that horrendous? If it does then, maybe you should not meet someone once you called it off, or even if you meet them, stay prepared because I understood one thing, for sure- I was not ready for that and it felt miserable! And yes, I left in the middle, without saying "goodbye" to you… the reason, you ask? (Do you really need to know... now?)

*Sigh* I felt that you just moved on too soon, too fast, I was not a priority, which I do understand but it did not feel good… it felt like you were ignoring me, maybe not but it felt so. You were so busy- if possible, you could have gotten inside your phone at that moment, that’s how busy you were with your phone.

Were you feeling confused and awkward because you met me or were your genuinely that busy, very-very busy… anyways, whatever the reason is, you would not have done that or acted that way, if things were different, like in the past, would you…acknowledging the fact you met me after forever?

Moreover, despite all these things, I think I felt the way I felt also because of my expectation and because of the suddenness. I had just over-exaggerated our meeting in my head so many times like, I used to think and daydream about the things that will happen when we meet again… but in reality, when it happened and we met, well, all I felt was- awful and sad and was drowning in some sort of melancholy. Nevertheless, still, I am glad for the fact we met, the only thing I can tell myself and chill a little bit maybe.

Anyways! (Being Honest) The "real" thing is, I still think about you and I want to meet you, do everything that presumably, we cannot do or should not do... DAMN- why do you have someone in your life... ugh! Everything that I feel, feels so wrong...

Okay…I cannot write more…its……IDK, anyways, I want to send my best regards to your lover… and you!

Take care!

 P.S. This is hard and very embarrassing like, I know you won't read it but still, what if you do, I mean the funny part (so-called funny part... a nightmare for me) is that you, as you read this all, and go like- "Damn this girl, still lingering on me... she is soooo stupid, cringy and awful!" (I hope you won't say that I know you won't say that... you won't right?) This is very awkward and horrific...UGH

"Can someone send me a bottle of old whiskey...please or even tequila would work- thanks!"

STILL IN THE MEMORIES

"There are times I just miss you, and, I don't really have specific reasons for that- I simply miss you, deeply and intensely. Out of nowhere, I feel you and your vibe, your presence in me, near me. And, I get this strong feeling that you are there, somewhere missing me. 

Maybe not daily, not even alternatively, and maybe, not even once in a week, but, every once in a while, and, I hope it's just not for me but for you too and you know that it's hard to erase our past, right.
I wish I could tell you how much you meant, instead of all those rudeness and complications that I gave or we together had or else created for one another.

Yet, it was more than that, wasn't it? I did feel for you with all my heart, I remember the 3 words you said at the very end of our conversation, over a phone call (our supposedly, meant to be last call or conversation) late at night, rolled with immense pain and awfulness- oh I was all drowned in, so much so that I barely slept that night! 

Anyways, coming to the present- I still wish we could have given each other some time, to talk and let it out, maybe we cannot be together, maybe I am still not ready to explore, maybe you are not ready to give it a try, or maybe you found someone new...but still, I appreciate the little memories we had and I hope you do too, appreciate the thing we had.

Though we both know what we had was a rollercoaster ride, lots of ups, and downs, slow and then fast that's how it went, but we cannot regret it, can we? As, it was both of our decision to take that ride, thus we experienced it all...all that we did, one-of-a-kind journey. Yet, sometimes I think, we could have gone a little further and been there for each other, though, I know for a fact it was a little hard for both of us thus, we got out of it soon, yet at different times and pace. 

Sometimes, I wonder how it could have been, if we were still together, getting off that ride while holding hands and staying strong for one another, how it could have been- were we too weak for that, or were we too "realistic"?

Anyways, I think we will never talk about it, I think we will never meet again. It still surprises me personally, how you came into my life, and just been such a deep part of me... within that shortest period of time, literally the shortest time possible. Moreover, one thing that still surprises me the most is that I still remember YOU, even after these months and years that have passed, I still remember you, so damn vividly even after all these years.

Well, (time to get real again), I think we will not find a way out for one another ever again in life...well, despite this world is too small out of this digital evolution and all, but still, I think we will not find a way to say "hi- how are you" and I am sure, I won't get to see that charmingly weird smile, with those perfect mischievous eyes of yours looking straight into mine, acting like a child, along with that hella cringy little look- *wooo ya* - NO that won't happen...won't happen again- I know!

Yet, out of some alleged moments, if we meet, if we end up meeting, I know that...(this will happen) we will be filled with emptiness, with clueless expressions, not knowing what to talk about, you will be busy with your phone, I will be staring the walls or the sky, diving in my own notionless thoughts- and we both will be at some point, wondering "why we met?" {remembered something?} Anyways, we are worlds apart, we were so young and dumb and.... maybe, we still are so childish and insecure...we both are looking for something bigger and better. And, the reality is still there, as it was from the beginning, we were never together- never made for each other!"

- 2019.08.16

.

<This is for you if you still "miss >>>>> REMEMBER" someone, somewhere-sometime>

The beauty of the eyes that make us see and we feel,

The darken shadow of the rusted glimpse, hidden in the depth of the memories,

We see, what we want

We feel as the dreams and the memories float in our heads.

The connection of the bygone time,

Something that links the formation of responses sent by our impulse.

The deeper the links, the “bygone time” feels fresher and alluring.

The solidarity of the neurons increases so does the repetition of recollection of some memories

Now, we stand in the present, the “moment we are living in”

The expansion of successive repetition of the solidarity-

changes semantic establishment of our upcoming existence.

Now, we decide what is real and what is not,

We choose, where we want to live, the phase REM or the open eyes.

Yet remember before you decide, someone once said,

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one”

- 2020.04.30 (lockdown)

A Woman X Cherry Wine

A woman is a fearless creature, calm and contained with wellness and purity. She is someone, who is very brave to handle any the situation, someone who can give birth and life to a young one, someone who can drive the serenity of happiness and prosperity to anyone’s life. She is beyond anything you can physically see or feel to be, she can drive you crazy with her beautiful and unique looking features of her body, she can surprise you, with her intellectuality and her capabilities, and she definitely captivates you, with everything she does, because she is a true form of art.

“Her eyes and words are so icy, ohh, but she burns
Like rum on a fire
Hot and fast and angry as she can be
I walk my days on a wire

It looks ugly
But it's clean
Oh mama, don't fuss over me”

A woman is an art, she is nothing like you assume her to be, she is deep like an ocean, she has her own world of fantasies and imaginations that is beyond your reach, infinite like the sky. She is just like nature or like a tree that grasps each one of us together to keep us live in this world. And, she can change and adjust in almost any situation, she is strong and has a key strength of “empathy”, she understands you, holds you, cares for you and loves you.

“The way she tells me I'm hers and she's mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine”

Everything she does is for you, slowly and steadily, beyond the way “you” presume it to be, she becomes your need, your desire, your will and your lust of love, but, it’s hard for you to understand, what she really means to be, for you and to you!

Because you are too busy with your work, you think you are doing it all by yourself, you never actually, acknowledge her worth, and you always take her for granted, as if “even she wasn’t here, it would be all fine” you feel, Your- life is tough, and You- have tons of things to handle, she is just a tiny little creature that you don’t have to spare the time to worry about.

“Calls of guilty thrown at me all while she stains
The sheets of some other
Thrown at me so powerfully, just like she throws
With the arm of her brother

But I want it
It's a crime
That she's not around most of the time”

Therefore, you never come to see, understand and acknowledge, her scarifies, her hard work, and her passion towards you.  You can be a woman like her, you can be a man, or you can be anyone just a human as she is, but you will never come to experience the super-power that she has.

“The way she shows me I'm hers and she's mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine”

She simply manages your life, without asking much from you, she makes it so easy for you to survive in your day to day life, yet, you never come to recognize what she really feels and expresses to be. Hence, she is mysterious, her heart is a treasure box of emotions and stories that you may not have heard so far. She is a daughter, a mother, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife, a friend, and nearly everything that holds your life together till the very end of her life, providing the constant support that builds you to a good person that you’re right now, and you grow to be.

 “Her fight and fury is fiery, ohh, but she loves
Like sleep to the freezing
Sweet and right and merciful, I'm all, but washed
In the tide of her breathing
And it's worth it
It's divine
I have this some of the time”

She deserves love, she deserves your time, she deserves everything that you really crave for yourself- the best of the best, indeed!

 “The way she shows me I'm hers and she's mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine”

.

Tilted words are the lyrics from the song “Cherry Wine” by Andrew Hozier Byrne

Don’t you get this feeling, an out of nowhere feeling of wanting to be with someone, and you are so confused, like what kind of “wanting to be with someone” it is- is it short term stuff, where you just want someone to be right there with you, but only for “now” or, is it something else, that’s long and well committed!

This is kind of tricky, and confusing.

Like you are doing good, you have your own works, in fact, you have tons of “works” to be done, you are all occupied, and then, out of blue- there comes a feeling, where you just start missing something, you just want someone to be there, and that's all! That’s all that you want!

And this feeling is something really momentary like it comes out of nowhere, stays and then goes. But within those moments- “Gosh” you go through a roller-coaster ride of the emotional, physical and psychological downturn.

.

"Don't take this the wrong way

You knew who I was every step that I ran to you

Only blue or black days

Electing strange perfections in any stranger I choose.

Would things be easier if there was a right way

Honey there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little ol' little bit

Every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little ol' little bit every day with someone new..." - Hozier 

When you are too "complex" -maybe unnecessarily

I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy the fact, that I enjoy someone’s company, and I don’t like it when I get someone as my habit, an addictive and slow toxic habit to myself. I don’t know if it’s to do with my past or my future, but I just don’t want it as my present, it just haunts me. It feels like the scariest dream for me, and I don’t understand why but, I feel like I’m shrieking with every indulging, comfortable environment I set to be in. I may be enjoying it, fantasying about it more and more, but deep down there I know I’m drowning!!!

I’m an average person, I laugh, I dance, I scream and I shout and, also get rejoiced with senseless, stupid things, but then again, I don’t know what happens, it just feels like it’s not mine, it’s not me. I always have space, boundaries, and distance with all most everything- people and small little-in-depth conversations. However, still, I'm overly full with tons of "words", with so many things to say. Hence, it's unlike I go out of words, it’s really-really unlike that! but the thing is, I just choose not to let it out, I hate it when I come to realize “okay, I am letting it out" "oh- I am talking a little too much, or I just poured my heart out" and, I find myself in a very uncomfortable situation, when I realize "people want to hear me more!”. The thing is, I don’t want people to know anything, anything about me, or anything about me, it's unlike I wanna keep any secrets but I just like that unnecessary mystery (maybe), I want my things, with me, I want to keep myself to my own zone.

Well, I do have friends but they are more like an acquaintance and I like it that way! Thus, please, don’t get mistaken with some friendly gestures I share, with some couple of conversation, or a handful of city escapes we end up having…

“I was having the conversation and, was listening to the words playing inside my head, and after a very long time, I found myself “scared” again! It was the entangled feelings of some sad vibes, something lonely and something hurtful. Something that I know will break my self-esteem and then me.

The dark room, and me, all together bent and molded perfectly, yet not knowing where are we heading together, as the morning feels too early, yet so late. However, somewhere there, I know, I have been waiting for the sun to shine, but then again, I know I don’t wanna face the bright light, of the rays………SIGH!!!”

The expectation

The slow blow of the breezy wind, the cold long night to hunt your inner soul but fail to the crane. Elongation of the time with no real deeds to engage you so far, to pass the time that you don’t want to hold yourself in.  The airplane makes the noise, and you hope someone to drop here to be with you, taking the very first flight that they can catch up... Hence, you create the scenes of some imaginary dreams, you write the screenplays and the dialogues to set the conversation with all your fantasies.

You are dancing on your toes, playing some happy hippie tracks to keep yourself up and tidy, hoping for some ‘optimistic’ fellowship to fall under your row. Maybe, you are denying the truth, the fact that you are lonely, maybe slowly the emotions getting you all into a black hole, but still- you are in a denial mode. 
The young adulthood in your 20’s is too early, maybe immature to solve all the puzzles of your queries. However, it’s unlike for anyone else, you know you can do it, you know you have been through it-  it isn’t the fresh experience of your life. You have been here before, many more times, you have faced, and failed but, set yourself to do it again, again and again. You haven’t given up, and you are 'determined' not to give up. And I know, you won’t!

You may need some motivation, you may need to push yourself little harder, and you know how to do it, you know how to make yourself happy: You create the world of your own, with unrealistic demands of your native thoughts and feelings. You play hide and seek, with your brain and the heart, you go for a deep conversation to explore your inner part.
Here, you don’t need a real person, you find the person within you to be enough for every little help and judgment, to be critical and, also to get harsh. And by carrying all these ongoing thoughts, you walk from a corner to the next, you enjoy pretending like you are walking with a love of your life. 
Moreover, as the night gets darker, you dream more with wide-open eyes. You know, there isn’t anyone to hear you, and you know, there isn’t anyone who will fly down for you. But, you convince yourself and tell, "Why would I let 'My Dreams' to go against my own will". Hence, you continue to fantasize more and more.

Therefore, you make sure that the silence of the night and this world, won’t jiggle down your warily dreamt thoughts. Because, you don’t want to die young, and you know you will never get the chance to be this young the next time, in the real world full of passive, normative responsibilities. And the fact is real. as said by the Shakespear, "This world is nothing but a theater full of actors, playing a role to impress one another!"

The weary stuff. 

(more to write, still undone!)

Unclear, myself !

I stayed in a numb room, no words, no sound, and no whisper. Past few days, the same old thing is flying around my mind, but in a deeper manner, it feels so loud, yet it is still so mystifying. Right now, I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I know I will go out of words, I won’t be able to clear the things I want to say, “Why” if you ask?
It’s because, I am here unclear, myself. However, when I say unclear, it doesn’t mean “confusion”. It is simply the exhaustion that I get every time I am unable to clear myself and explore it to my deepest end. Have you ever seen the flower? I am sure, all us have. But, I haven’t, “yes, I haven’t” I realize I have never taken a minute to see the flower, see the color in its every petal, see its stem and the leaves. I must have just probably taken it to my hand, seen it and then forgot about it- the infinite number of flowers, for an infinite number of times. Hence, I have never seen a flower as I feel right now, I should have!
Never mind, right now, the thing is- the rush of words, and the heartbeat of mine is in so contrast. My mind knows exactly what it wants to take out of me, however, my mind also knows the triggers and the barriers not to break myself into. I feel like I am in a battlefield ever again, for something that shouldn’t bother me as much as it is currently doing- bothering me so much that it has somewhat, about to, conquer my brain. Consequently, my imagination power is currently in a pause, as I am trying to link the dots of real life, I feel like I’m all lost in a maze. And for me, not being able to balance these two things (imagination and the reality) is the frustration as same as to carry myself to the death.

“The sorrow or the pain, the feelings that drag to the sane, have lost. You tried a lot to protect yourself but for now, you have consumed all the pain. The things might have been something else, but you my dear, took all the decisions of your life. Hence, you have no one to blame!”

Can't I just stay busy?

Dear Me,
I was so happy, I don’t know why am I getting to this pace again? I mean, I was working continuously and was very much occupied but not overwhelmed by any of those things, it did not get me mad or took me on a guilt trip or anything. More importantly, I was just doing well and was so chilled with my tight schedule, the fact that I was so damn consumed with so many things that I had no time for shits running (ruining) my mind and mood, felt anything but "perfect". But, now as I am getting free, and having leisure time for myself, I feel like I am being scattered, I can feel my mind is so confused and so sad, I feel anything but melancholy, it just does not feel right! I am absolutely hating it, ugh!

See, the thing is, I needed a break, I know, I overworked- I know but then, it was a coping mechanism, right? It saved my soul and my mental space however, yes! I cannot deny the fact that I was physically dead, I was looked, walked, and worked like a zombie. So, somewhere, somewhat I knew I needed the break. I know, that whatever is going on with me and my life is not healthy, and all I need is the break, I need to get myself on track, "back on track." But, I am just not ready to think, I mean IDK, I am not ready to process everything that's going on, all I want to do is "get busy"....work... move on with my life from one busy day to other, so much so that I literally crave for the bedtime and I crave for the rest, just to ensure that my mind does not get enough time to play with me, and I just don’t want to give that space to go haywire! Hence, I just want to get busy, I want a routine, where I do something productive, something that can validate my existence in some sense and keep my sanity alive, I do not mind getting tired, well "instead of having sleepless nights, I think, a long and tiring day that gets me to the bed at 10 O’clock at night" would be better! 

Thus, I wish to be busy and work my ass-off, and get so tired that my mind doesn’t get enough time to think of anything else, that my body gives up entirely at night so that I just go to bed and sleep- eyes close, the mind shuts and I enter to the pitch dark, black hole, until the next morning starts! I also wish I wake up before sunrise, I want to feel the fresh air, I want to feel the breeze, I want to go for a walk in the dawn, and, then start my long, busy day. But, to all this, I wish to avoid human interaction (sigh),  I seriously do not want to invest my time and energy in someone or anyone... I just do not feel its value and more importantly, I do not have any willpower or motivation within me to connect with people. Saying so, see I know we all need human connection, I know I also do but, it's tough to maintain a human connection, its really an investment, and I do not want small talks and temporary people, I value humans and their words and I look for a strong connection, a sustainable one. I am a private person and I consciously, want to maintain that and by nature (from the core) as well, I am not a people person, some people are but I am not, and nor do I want to be... I love my own company, I love my space, IDK I may even love the mechanical way of working (IDK) but I know, I do not want humans in my life (do not ask me anything, I am not ready to answer...also, why would I answer you?!) 

Spare me! all in all, currently... I don’t meet people regularly, (let’s be real) I hate seeing the same faces every now and then, I do not enjoy talking about the same shits and pretend not to know or admit that I know or whatever, I just do not want to have a conversation... I am not ready to go on a loop whole where I have to maintain and act for someone with the same things again and again- annoying, isn’t it (yes, for me)!

Sigh, well-well, IDK am I making sense or not, I do not even know what exactly, was I trying to write but all in all the thing is, (confession, I tell you)  "I am just in a dull state right now"! I am not enjoying or seeing anything nice with my life or with me, I am pretty much annoyed and I hate it, I hate that I have these timeless moments, where I have nothing to do afterward, and my mind tricks me with some unpleasant thoughts, memories, even some of the good memories have started to feel toxic now, those flashbacks maybe I hate it or maybe I am in denial, but the thing is I do not want to rewind or rethink of anything, good or bad, it doesn’t matter, I just don’t want to think about it. Or at least, for now, I am not ready to process everything, I do not want to go and have a conversation or whatever, not ready to dig myself into some sort of never-ending laybacks! See, the fact is I am in this "uggh" state (cannot even explain exactly what it is) and I Hate myself for not being able to get out of it, knowing the fact that I am not perfect enough to settle myself in these conditions, I hate that I am making such a big issue and ranting over and over again for maybe something that shouldn’t bother me. But, I know that I will move out of this space, and after a few days or months, it will be all in the past, I know, I can do this..but for now, let me do whatever it requires to declutter my mess, let's not pretend it's perfect but let me cope my situation in a way I want it, that's it!

P.S. I may be running from everyone and, myself, you may say so- I will not ignore that! Because I am!

I think I am protecting myself, and I want to protect myself! Yes! I am acting selfish, as much as I can, trying to run and run, but under my own terms and conditions and, I don’t want anyone to enter and disturb the pace I have, my world is mine! Unless I allow you to come, so, please don’t enter!
Lastly, ever again (LOL) I just, wish to have the busiest schedule of my life, too packed and very badly occupied with never-ending work and works ughhh... I want to get the heck out of these creepy mood swings and unnecessary dilemmas that my mind illustrates to make me go insanely mad hence, let me just "work"!

Truly yours,
Me.

feelings are stupid!

These feelings are so stupid, I mean I find myself as an idiot whenever I get occupied by these emotional stuff. My brain doesn’t function properly, it works in a very injudicious manner, I can’t figure what’s exactly happening, and I don’t know is it right or is it wrong. More importantly, more than the fact what’s going in my head, I go mad wondering what’s there in other person’s head. How is he thinking, is it the same feeling that’s emerging and rolling like mine or it’s completely different? Is he doing this because he means it or is it causal- he is like this with every other friend? Oh-God, why am I acting so reckless, I feel like a child, the imprudent kid! And whatever am I feeling or thinking is it valid? I mean is it real, or am I just forecasting it to be something specious?

I don’t know how my head and heart function, I really don’t know! Here, I was trying to keep that swearwords not to get preoccupied by any sort of emotionally devastating stuff, but just before I stand to that, there comes someone slowly being the toxic to my thoughts and intensions. The sweet words, the caring part, those “Miss You”, to the “Good Mornings” & the “Good Night”, and the sharing of the secrets, I mean those secrets you undertaken not to share with anyone, those unseen sides of you that you share, which no one else or very, very-very few have seen, and-and the 1^st time experiences of so many moments – “Oh wait! These are the devil which just feel like an angel!” that’s what my head tells me, don’t believe, don’t! And then the heart wants to make sure is it true or not, so it asks to the vary person, whatever he is doing he means it or not! And if the answer comes in a way, like “YES, it’s unlike I am like this with every one and blah…blah” that’s all, your so called soft part emerges, and your melted! And the tragedy begins…

(to be continued)

Unexplained Connection

Life is so ironic, it throws so many unexpected grits which you have no idea where is it coming from. The equations that have been unsolved or simply untouched for years, finally start getting a hint. Scrambled feeling starts finding its way, everything twitches into a new path.

Yet, I don’t understand why and how this happens, something that wasn’t there till yesterday ends up being here right next to us, as the biggest part of our life, focal point of our reality. Some changes are so hastily wild, yet provide most serene pace to your life. Do you remember or have been through this, you are into someone so soon and so easily, keeping yourself into a drastic amaze. You start doing and experiencing the things, you thought you’ll never do or won’t simply happen to you.

We all have those secrets, pain and the sad stories tagged in our heart, veiled inside with the thought that no one can or  will ever understand it.  Hitherto, the things that are not shared with people whom you know for years, you share them with someone who just appeared in your life few months before. The connection you didn’t find after knowing and acknowledging people from the infinite moments, you get that connection with someone whom you haven’t even met properly.

“What is it? Is it even real, can this even happen?” aren’t these the questions revolving around your head, when something like this happens! The fact that your mind and heart start contrasting, yet that exhilaration keeps evolving. And you end up with something that doesn’t even have a name to it, “STRANGERS? – ARE WE?” “FRIENDS? - ARE WE?” or “ARE WE INTO SOMETHING DEEP? – CAN WE?” But wait, do you even wanna give name to it?! Or you want your status to be confused?  When all these things keep spinning all over, there comes another slight anxious feeling of fear, the fear that it will end, whatever is there for now.

Listen, the fear you have, you have, if somebody has to leave, s/he will leave! The moment you have for now is your current reality! More importantly, why are you with that person? Why do you have that instead connection? “WHY? HOW? FOR WHAT?” aren’t these the questions you have, and want answers to all these quires. But, think about it, are you placing your doubts at the right place? Have you asked or tired asking your quires to the vary person? 

Life is full of mystery, you never know what will happen, how it will happen and for what! Whatever comes around you, has come for you, if you don’t hold it, it will go away, and may not return, and even if it does it may not remain to be yours anymore!

Appreciate everything around you !!

Magic of a good conversation

Have you ever experienced this, like you wake up- have a very inexplicable kind of mood, neither happy nor sad, or you may be in a very bad mood, else you are just in that “I DON’T KNOW” kind of state. And all of a sudden you bump up into someone, someone who may or may not be there with you physically, these days this virtual world you know! (HAHA)

So yeah, you just jolt yourself into someone, and you don’t know “WHY?!” you just start with a very normal conversation, and within the start of the conversation, you feel something magical, magical in a sense, you already feel good! Weird?? Yeah, it might sound, but haven’t you felt so- haven’t you? Don’t lie!

Anyways, subsequently you go on with this conversation, and you are smiling, you can feel the vibe of the person! It’s unlike the person is trying hard to make you happy, may be s/he doesn’t even have a clue about your mood, but still that vary person is in so much of joy, that her/his blissful vibe just gets transferred to you. Few minutes ago, you were in a creepy ambiance, and now you are flying high with the euphoria.

Let’s make it more salacious, what if the person all of a sudden, starts flattering you, unexpectedly does something so sweet making you cajoled. This feels so satiating, and more importantly, you are feeling good. As a not so good mood, turned into a serenely rapture frame.

Nevertheless, you gotta be thankful for the fact, that you started a conversation and to the mood of that person. Imagine, what if that person was also in a bad mood, and the situation going haywire! How awful it would have been, as every little word, and the action would get fuddled and fumblingly irritating. But NO! You tended to be lucky enough that you ended up with someone disseminating her/ his astonishing vibe, and you are just inhaling it with gratification. And now, you feel like you are all set, and even the not so perfect day turned into a perfect one!

Lastly, can you see this, just a conversation can change so many things. So, always feel good, feel good about yourself and everything else, like the person whom you bump into, and made you so joyful. And one thing to remember, if anyone comes to you, accept or at least respond them with a positive enthusiasm. Let your delightful vibe transfer to that person! And for now, you might be wishing, that vary person to encounter you, now and again, every here and there! So, may your wish come true, and may you feel the magic of happiness- always!

AMEN!

 (UNEDITED VERSION)

YOUNG ADULT

Young adult, a person in their late teens or early twenties. Despite of any background one has, the phase of a young adult is the most beautiful and most adventurous for all. This is the phase, where everything feels timeless, daring, exciting, and buoyant. The one isn’t so careful about the consequences, in fact sometime, they don’t even think about it at all. As they tend to be full of courage and optimistic attitude that they feel, they can turn everything possible. Wow, isn’t this so damn blithe, amiable, and feels like this phase just continue for life time, and we never grow old or be an adult for real?

I’m sure everyone wishes the same thing, and it’s completely natural to think in that way around, as this is the phase, that everyone envy.

When I’m describing that “Everyone and everything feels same”, here I’m not talking about the situations or the conditions, but I’m trying to elucidate the ‘Energy’. I am well aware about the stuff that, nobody has the same kind a life style, so surely the conditions differs but still the energy of all young adults remain same!

Meantime, talking about the feelings, the most common feeling, that comes in the front row is about the “Love Life”. At this age, everyone tends to fall for someone, they tend to have their 1^st love or else get attracted towards various people physically and emotionally. The feeling of dating someone, being someone’s priority and getting the affection and care comes naturally to all.

At this phase, we all want someone special, we try to elongate the relations and add up few more in our list. The connection with various people start to have a real names or tagline with it. And these compelling connection has deep grounded roots in our heart, memories and experiences. At this phase whatever happens, most of them tend to be the 1^st experience or the 1^st attempts in our life.  And this is not so new, the sensation of the first love, dating, first heart break  or anything similar is  as same and as powerful as it was back then in the 1940’s & 50’s or even before that.

The fantasy of being a young adult is more than anything, anyone will ever experience. It’s unlike that, the one will only have the experience of love at this phase, but more than anything, they tend to evolve mentally, physically and emotionally.  The attempts, struggles, failures, heart breaks and the success that young adult go through at this phase, will carry a lifelong lessons, which no one can forget, in their lifetime. So no wonder, this phase be way too precious for all. Even if you sit down and ask your adults about their young adult stories, then they will have tons of them to share with you, and you will come to realize how common and how natural your feelings and activities are. Along with that, not only these stories be interesting and entertaining but going to help and aware you about the “DON’Ts” & "DOs" of this phase and life.

But still at this phase, the one is way too stubborn and persistent about their own wills and feelings. No matter how many stories or awareness they hear, young adult will be listening to their own young heart and will be doing what they think is right. Yet, I suggest it's better sometime to have double thoughts and try remembering your adult’s words, before you jump up on doing anything creepy. However, I believe in having proficiency and collecting experiences, so we got to try doing as much adventurous stuff as we can, at this phase, by way of, this energy won’t come back again,in same frequency you have for now.

“YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A TIME TO GROW OLD, BUT WON’T GET A CHANCE TO BE THIS YOUNG AGAIN”

Relation That Came To End Without Knowing

So many people who come in our life, so many relationships we are bounded with, and so many interactions and talk we have,  to keep us delight. But still, we are so freaked out, no idea what's going on, all of us, everyone of us, have been searching, and looking for someone for the real connection, but we don't know, who's the right person to line up with.
Right in that moment, we end up with someone, may or may not be "someone special" but turns out to be someone, we get that instinct hook; and that hook can be of any type, I mean any kind of relationship, with no age or gender or places or even countries barriers. We feel like "yeah, I got someone I can lineup with.." , it feels so good, so-so good that we are relaxed, can forget and go limitless when we are with them or even without them, their thoughts keep us awake timelessly.
 But you know what everything has a expiry date; so even that relation you have for now, got to end. The reason for this end, can be anything, and if there is, then that's good, because at least it can console us. But sometimes, there be no reason, we just end up, get disconnected. I wonder Why! Though I think, I can guess... It's because, we get afraid, we are super confused and nervous, for the fact, wondering is it too much. And without even having a valid conclusion, we come to a conclusion to end it; and between all these stuff, the other partner doesn't even have a clue, they go mad, wondering, "Why?", "For What?!" and "What Did I Do?!" But that's not just about them, because here we are even more confused, super, super exhausted, mad, unhappy, restless, and guilty, and what not, as we, ourselves have no idea, why did we ended with the person, ended the beautiful relation, and then we go back in time, start wondering those conversations, fights, leg pulling stuff and every single moment spent together. We wanna go back for real as well, but then again, No, we think it's too late, and we try to stop our thoughts and those inconvenient feelings. But we couldn't stop our heart, could we?

Walk

"You have been going upstair and then coming down, again you go up and you come down. You have no idea what's happening, either it's the right way or wrong one, ever again. You still walk, and sometime even run, run so fast wishing no one to catch you. Then you stop, stop to see how far you've reached, but before that, a thought comes up, that says "Look around" and you follow that command. You look around, left and then right, front and then back, then...you go numb; no idea, either to chriesh the momet or cry.
 You still remain numb, and think of leaving and letting everything to end right there. Either you give up and everything ends around you or you keep on moving.
Meantime, you decide to move on and you walk, and walk, sometime you run, sometime you take a break and stop.
And after such a long walk you realize, even if you walk or run or just stop, the time goes in it's own pace, it ain't gonna wait. It will pass one way the other, it will pass one way the other. (Sigh)
That walk continues, no matter where you've reached, what be your path; walk continues....and you?"

Live Like A Normal Human

I don't know, what am I suppose to write...but as I sat down and started typing I gotta be writing something, right? (LOL...that's weird ~ I know)
So...here it goes!
I am a very normal girl, an ordinary one, just like any other girl and moreover a human, with all sorts of creepy and weird behaviors that I know, all of you have but afraid to admit, just cause you want to be normal, isn't it?
But hey, that's normal, it's normal to be weird, go creepy, freak yourself out and act like five years old kid even if you are 45 or plus. There is no rule, how a human should be, beside a human is much more matured and has a capacity to act according to the situations and have control in the stuff going around him. But saying so, it doesn't mean you can't live your self out, and go with the flow...where your heart and brain takes you.
Life is something you get once, you gotta live, and here 'Live' means literally 'Live' like a normal human. And do you know what does 'A Normal Human' means, (I don't know about others but according to me) a normal Human is the one who, is normal to himself, act and behaves according to his theories and laws, does the things he thinks is right, is stressless and provides ultimate happiness to himself and is 'Independent'.
People take my words ( the one I mentioned above, how I described the 'normal human' ) in an unacceptable manner, because they say, if human starts acting in whatever manner they feel like, there won't left any humanity, this world will scatter, or something smilar will happen; BUT wait, i ain't telling anyone to break the constitution of the nation, murder someone or go violent, we are a human being, God has given us the most precious gift that other creature couldn't get and that is, the ability to think and then act. So, we do know and can differentiate what's Wrong and what's Right. Hence. I don't think anyone trying to live alive for real, could hamper anyone else's life or this world.
See, someone is trying to smile, laugh, dance, be full of joy and peace and I don't think this world will have any problem with that, in fact this world needs the same thing and that's something is missing. People's focus is more on living their life the way they presume that the society will accept; but HEY, we all are the member of this society, this society is made up of the people like you and me, with some sort of norms, values and Myths. And everyone, every single one of us, live our life wondering and stressing about how the society gonna react, forgetting the fact society is nothing beside full of people like 'Me'.
In 100, 80% of people are stressed and depressed because they cannot live themselves out, they are afraid of the so called society; let me add up a simple thing, you have something on your head, like you wanna dance all of the sudden but you ain't gonna do that, you get afraid of the fact that how a person next to you gonna react, if you do so. And here is that person next to you, who has something on his/her head as well, but s/he gets afraid how you gonna react when s/he does that. So see, we all are same, we have little-little stuff that we want to do, but we get afaird how people around us gonna react, and we hold our feelings inside us, and the same process goes for more of the stuff and it becomes way to big, hard to handle and what happens is, we end up bursting sometime, but NO, we don't, instead we just want to brust, but we again, start wondering people's thoughts and we hold that which later turns  into Frustration and then to Depression.
I don't mean to brsut in front of people, but here I meant, you to do what you feel like doing; how can you presume how and what will be the reaction of people without even letting your actions to flow. If your action is good one way the other the reaction will come in a good manner, and even if it doesn't come the way you expected it to come, 'So What?' "It's OKAY"; there is nothing like "Do or Die", there be the next morning after the end of a day, so you can do and try that next time, or try some other stuff, if you fail in one.
Life is all about doing, keep on doing, do something new and exciting everyday. And do you know what's the thing that's exciting for you? That is, doing the stuff you feel like, it can be way too small or way too big and challenging, but it will be yours, your choice, something you chose and you felt like doing, so you get the energy to do that, and the happiness that leads you to success and you feel like, not giving up, and trying again and again which leads you to success.
All the people who achieve something and reached to that success are the people, who were normal, normal to themselves, and world called them anything you can imagine form 'mad, pyshco, crazy, abnormal to what not' but now they be the most influential people in the world. See they were nothing but themselves, they went and thought out of the box, which means they went beyond the myths of the society, they chose everything that their heart and brain asked them to do. They failed and again they tried, some of them even for real, failed 1000's of time but they didn't give up, just because they want to be normal and do what they feel like doing, without caring the myths that the society carries and the harsh arrows of words that the society throws. They still, till the end been normal to themselves, and achieved whatever they desire and wanted. Becuase they were abnormal to the society but normal to themselves, they worked for the things they wanted hence sucess was their, and they got happiness as their root.
So, relax, take a deep breathe, don't afaird of anything, do what makes you feel good, and feel happy. If you try to be normal wondering about the society then also its okay, but after doing that please keep on checking your over all conditions, most importantly, the condition of your brain, make sure your are not stressed, frustrated, and walking like a 'Angry Young Man'. If you are happy and good enough then whatever you do and whatever is your definition of being 'Normal' be, that's correct.
Life and being normal are all about being happy, there be no point of stress and loneliness. Life can be full of joy and happiness, you never go lonely and frustrated, if you know what and how you feel inside. There be no one in this world whom you have to proof, beside you-yourself inside, do anything that makes you happy first of all, because "when we are happy by our self first, we radiate that happiness, letting everyone to be happy when they be around us". So relax, the problems you have now, will get solved, there be beautiful next morning waiting for you, where you can do and try anything, till the life don't end we have days and days to live, and every year has 365 days, make sure you have days full of happiness and memories to remember before your count down of next 365 days begins.
Be Normal, Be YOU!!!! A HAPPY YOU indeed :)