I know one thing, once I start talking about something deep that I kept within myself for a while that means I am getting over it. Well, it’s not an easy task, talking and letting the memories flow, because the flashbacks come in like a haunting ghost, it shakes the state of your mind, takes you in roller-coaster ride... at a pace you don’t want to be, and forces you relive something that you just left behind or at least something you "thought" you left in the past and moved on with your life.
However, nonetheless, maybe it’s a good thing, for now, to let it out and, maybe its high time that I let it flow out of me.....
"Have you ever got into any sort of relationship that is exactly not a relationship, but still as special and important like a relationship but, something that you can’t describe!
Well, the kind of thing where, being together with that person feels like everything-feels like a different world in itself, from the conversations to touch, everything is surreal, so much so that the sensation of each electron in your body can be felt in the presence of that particular person.
You are so comfortable and yourself that you let your guards down- you let your most vulnerable sides wide open. And, the beautiful thing is that you can feel and witness acceptance from the person, with calmness and sweet-little passion.
Oh, this kind of feeling of something: something that feels really good and mystic, the feeling of rawness and simplicity, and reflection of the innocence from both the souls.
Well... Well... Despite all these words and descriptions I must say, the feeling is very much like, you don’t know how to explain, and you don’t know what to do with all these uncontrollable feelings, it's anything but confusing and unreal... Explosion of all the overwhelming desires and trauma is there inside your brain!
Yes, “trauma” an absolute one, because you don’t know what exactly are these feelings and what is this between you two, and what you really want from one another!
Saying so, sometimes this kind of confusion leads to happy ending whereas sometimes to the most awful shit!
Hence, as I always find myself, in the city called “complexity’, so- let’s talk about the worst side of such relationships, the chaotic mess: when the mind gets more complex when this relationship between two, gets into a rollercoaster ride, everything is at its fastest pace, the brain inside your head goes upside down and you make mistakes, sometimes acknowledging there is something wrong, and the other time you just don’t know what it is and still you do every senseless thing you can think of. And what if there comes to lack of conversation, communication gaps to make it worst, some may have the reason for this like “the long distance”, "lack of interest", "finally- the maturity" and what else? but I just wonder are these reasons so worthy to make it worst, are they?!
Being the most impulsive person, the work of the mind is so loud and so out of control, sometimes, the action gets reflected with uncountable reactions of the senseless thoughts. The things that would or could have been at its best, go haywire, and is out of your hand, out of control. Worst of the worst is that when you feel you are the only one who is suffering and was serious about it, and sometimes you even end up asking yourself “Was I even serious?” you do want to make it feel like it was a 'fling' but then you know the answer “it was not”!
Here, you don’t know about the other person’s story or feelings but you know yours, you know how deeply it meant to you, but sad part, you never got to show it. Hence you feel like “okay, leave it! Let it go to hell…” but there is this overly dramatic soul that says and reminds you how stupid you are and can be... Beacuse of which you pause and wait, for something that was never a thing, and more supposedly now will never turn out to be anything!
Lust or love, whatever drags you to anyone, it’s okay, its normal, it’s okay to feel the certain way with certain people, but I don’t think it’s okay to keep people confused, having the shambolic disorder, and not letting the person know anything! Well ignorance is a good way out, that’s what most people do, but I just wonder “why do you even come around like a fool, promise not to leave, and act like you never loved or wanted anyone so deeply, ever before” and then just leave, you don’t have anything to say, and you don’t want to hear anything because you feel, you know everything (I WISH YOU DO, BUT YOU DON’T-LAME)!"
"He was confusing and I was complicated...and that's all, that's how the story ends!"
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