"I may not always be ready to share their feelings, but it would be a mistake to think that I don’t have feelings – or that those feelings don’t run deep." - anon
To my surprise, the thought crosses my mind, "How could
you possibly believe that your actions wouldn't cause me pain?" Despite my
typically carefree demeanor and my tendency not to invest myself emotionally in
relationships, I am, after all, human. I experience emotions and feelings just
like anyone else.
It's disheartening and distressing that you haven't even
asked me a simple question like, "How are you?" It's possible that if
your feelings have waned, that's perfectly acceptable, but please be upfront
and tell me, "I no longer have feelings for you... I don't want you... I
don't love you." Perhaps it was the initial attraction and infatuation
that drove your interest in me. I don't mean to claim that I am attractive enough, but I do understand it's a natural occurrence for humans to develop feelings for
others from time to time. If that's the case for you, then so be it.
I might be making a bigger deal out of this than necessary,
allowing myself to be consumed by distress. I have my own journey with its ups
and downs, and I can't afford to be entangled in something that doesn't truly
belong to me. The care and affection I received and reciprocated from you were
truly wonderful, and I held you in high regard. However, given the way I'm
being treated now and the ambiguous nature of our connection (or sometimes it
feels like I'm the only one holding on), it's a source of misery.
I feel a lack of respect and a constant sense of distress.
Nonetheless, I recognize that when I'm with you, those moments are incredibly
precious to me. I cherish them to the fullest extent, and if I had the power, I
would freeze those moments in time. I love witnessing your smile, your
laughter, your playful nature. I adore the way you look into my eyes and the
uninterrupted flow of your conversation, updating me on every detail of your
life—even if I find it silly at times. I genuinely love it all, and I adore
you.
However, maybe my expectations are too high. After nearly a
year, I believe I deserve to be recognized and hold a genuine place. I know you
have clarified this but I can't overlook the fact that you labeled my
expression of emotions and my assertion of my rightful needs as a "victim
mentality." It's baffling, because voicing my feelings and advocating for
what I deserve isn't indicative of a victim mentality. Furthermore, if things
were simpler, perhaps we'd have happier memories filled with laughter, instead
of me being haunted by tears and miserable drunken nights, feeling isolated and
deceived.
I'm sure you have your own explanations, but I implore you
to ask yourself, "Is this right? Is this fair?" I possess strength
and resilience, but perhaps I can't endure this level of strain. We all have
lives, and life, my friend, is far from easy. It's not just about being with a
partner whom you're married to and have children with. It's about having a
partner and a companion to lean on during tough times, sharing both joys and
sorrows, standing by each other even in moments that might seem trivial or
foolish. It involves allowing each other to be vulnerable and imperfect.
Maybe I've built up unrealistic fantasies, imagining that
you're the one for me, but perhaps you're not. You don't even bother to know "how am I, what am I going through..." simple things like, even when you're well aware that I've been unwell for
over a week, you are just unbothered. You overlook my situation even when I'm behaving like a drunken
mess.
Perhaps- maybe it was merely a fleeting infatuation, and now
that it's faded, I'm clinging to memories of the person you were at the
beginning. Please, don't attribute our confusing situation to external factors.
If anything, it's “us”, not the situation. There's no need for compromise, and
kindly spare me the advice to "go date others." I'll make my own
choices, while you focus on your own affairs, as it's evident that I'm not a
priority for you.
I don’t want to plead or continually remind you of how I
should be treated; it should come naturally. If this connection is genuine, it
should be effortless. Putting these thoughts into words feels agonizing, yet I
know my values and I fully take responsibility for my actions. Whatever has
transpired or hasn't transpired has been marked by utmost sincerity and genuine
affection. My feelings for you and the profound care I hold have been
unadulterated and rooted in pure love. I understand that I could have given my
all, just as I continue to do, and I recognize my care and love.
(GOD, I was not even in love… god knows when I fell for you-
sigh, is it even love?)
However, I can't bear to stay in this lonely place where I
seem to be the only one making an effort, and all for what? Nothing, really. You
understand your own situation, and you've made it clear to me, but the question
is: How has the current situation created so much mess in our lives? How has it affected us and the people around us? Sigh...okay, never mind, I'm just
exhausted, simply drained and weary.
(ekching vayeni khusi theyee mah...but now maybe it will be all in past, good old memories as the present feels miserable)
"Bela bela ma hares khada ma
Chhati ma mero pahiro jaada
Yo maya mero mannai ma nahuda
Kasari basyau rakhi maya timro mana ma"
- Ujeli by Sajjan Raj Vaidya
